“Most conversations take at least seven minutes to really begin.” —Sherry Turkle, Reclaiming Conversation

If we want to intentionally pursue real meaningful conversation (and therefore relationship) with the people we care about, we must carve out spaces in our day for this to happen. The siren’s call of the screen is real; but our hearts and souls were designed to exists in relationship with other people, and in order know and be known, we must dig a little deeper.

Here’s the challenge: carve out spaces in your day and your home that are screen free. Let’s look at two places to begin to do this work.

First—the dinner table.

Challenge everyone present (guests included) to leave phones in a basket or cupboard. Out of sight really does mean out of mind when it comes to our phones. If you need to, set at timer: one hour, no screens. Adults and children alike must learn to press into conversation rather than shy away.

All of the best teachers will tell you that wait time is vital to maintaining a class discussion, and I’d say the same rule applies at the dinner table. Don’t be so quick to fill the gaps (or, if you’re like me, celebrate in the pleasure of eating your meal in silence.) Allow a minute of two of quiet after asking a question. Let everyone get a little uncomfortable; it forces the conversation deeper. 

Highs and lows

A good place to start, even for the littlest of diners, is to share highs and lows of the day. As we’ve practiced this with our boys, we’ve found these simple starts often lead to revelations of their day that might not have come out otherwise—such as our middle child letting us know how disappointed he was that no one took him to the zoo today.  This child had not communicated said desire, and therefore allowed a conversation to progress on the importance of communicating expectations. Even four year olds, it turns out, have unspoken desires.

Teach your children how to converse

As children grow, and their communication skills improve, invite them to practice asking good questions. Learning to engage in conversation (and actively listen to the speaker) is a skill that must be taught—and what better place to teach than at the dinner table? Our boys are four and six, so questions typically are of the “What is your favorite _______” variety, but regardless of the question, they are learning to think of something they might like to know about another person, to patiently wait their turn to answer, and to listen to each family member as he or she shares. 

The dinner table is sacred space.

The dinner table is sacred space. The breaking of bread bonds us, allows opportunities for connection and conversation, and models for our children the dance of dinnertime dialogue. The research regarding the importance of meals shared together for our children is widespread: Family dinner has shown to teach children how to make healthy food choices, to avoid risky behaviors, and lowers their risk of depression. We must push back against the desire to check out and disengage at the dinner table. Seven minutes is not too long to wait to hear from the people we love.

Second—Car Time

Maybe you’ve mastered the screen free dinner hour. You are a pro! A champion! Your challenge now is to evaluate your car time. This is another space in which we often default to the ease of our individual devices. Instead of handing younger kids an iPad or allowing teens to listen to their own music, reclaim the car as community space. 

This is hard and takes practice. Most of us have turned the car into entertainment time, and thus turned over the opportunity to sow seeds of patience and conversation building right along with it. But reasons beyond simply teaching your child to enjoy staring out the window at the scenery exist (although, it can be, and perhaps should be, argued that allowing for space for our thoughts to wander as the road passes us by is vital to the practice of silence and solitude.) 

As Andy Crouch says, “The great, deep conversations that are possible in the car after the seven-minute mark grow out of practicing simply staying engaged with each other and the world around us.”

Reclaim the car. Allow for silence. And if there’s to be music, podcasts or audio books, make them communal. Ask your child what he or she wants to listen to—and listen. This is an opportunity to talk, yes, but it’s also an opportunity to discover what your teen is playing in her air pods all day long. “The tragedy of our omnipresent device…is the way they prevent almost any conversation from unfolding” (The Tech-Wise Family). 

“Tell me more”

The car is a sweet time to teach the littlest of children patience, to observe the world around them, and to ask questions about what he or she might see. It’s also a time to engage those teens, as often, it’s easier to for them to talk side by side, rather than face to face. Settle into the uncomfortable silence after you ask a question. Let them mull it over and resist the urge to fill in the gaps. “Tell me more” is your next best line. Keep at it, and reap the harvest of deeper relationship with these kids that grow up too fast.

Press in this week!

Seven minutes! Keep this number in mind this week, with your friends and family. Be on guard against grabbing for your phone when the going gets boring. Or uncomfortable. Instead of resisting these feelings and reaching for your phone, press in. There is no trading in of our time; it simply passes. But we do get to decide how we spend it. 

pc: Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash

*A version of this article was published at Fierce Parenting